It’s been a long day, with terrible weather, uncertain job possibilities and loads of homework for both of us. We are tired and haven’t had a decent nights rest in three years and won’t have one for another five months.
The demands for our attention and knowledge are coming at us from all directions and inside each of our minds is the lengthy list of things we are not doing as well as we would like. This list ticks on and on in our minds even during those few precious hours of sleep we get each night.
So as I place his extra pillow beside me on the bed for his retrieval, he comments how I have stolen the good pillows and left him without his. In my mind I am shocked because I had been proactive and specifically placed his pillow near him. I don’t say anything because I know we are both being stretched and it just doesn’t matter.
Then he grumbles that his pillow case has disappeared from his other pillow and before I know what is happening, my pillow case is being ripped off my pillow and I hear him slide his pillow into it. I’m hurt.
I sleep hurt, and I wake hurt. I kiss him before he leaves for work and don’t say anything about my hurt to him. This meeting could keep or cost him this job and I don’t want him going to it disturbed. But the hurt feelings don’t go away as I move through the duties of my day.
We’ve made arrangements to meet up for lunch at a favored restaurant, a treat that doesn’t happen often due to our extraordinarily busy schedule. But as the time approaches for me to leave the house, I find myself dreading the drive and the lunch. I’m still burdened down with hurt.
I’m late to lunch and I feel guilty that I’ve taken up precious time from his work schedule and worry that he will be upset at my inconsideration. He is not, and I feel even worse. My feelings are spirally downward and only halt in the evening as I finally open up to him.
He made a dumb comment to our son about me stealing pillows and that’s when I told him that I had placed his pillow there specifically for him. He was shocked. He thought I had placed the pillow there to put distance between us. He then joked about his stealing my second pillow. I hadn’t even noticed. I wonder if he had worried about that for the same number of hours I had been worrying. It’s a strange idea and it makes me sad that he would worry and hurt.
I tell him how the pillowcase hurt my feelings and he walks away. I think that I need to be less sensitive and realize it is not a big deal. But then he comes back a few minutes later and shows me how to love despite…
He leans in close, and rests his head on mine. He apologizes for the pillowcase and says he didn’t realize it had been on my pillow as all he felt was the extra loose material that happens with this specific pillowcase. He says he is sorry for hurting my feelings and then asks me if there is anything he can do to help me in my work.
He loved me despite…
I know he has just as much work as I do. I know that his time is just as stretched thin as mine. But he takes this moment to offer it up to me, with no strings attached.
He loved me despite…
My hurt has turned into tears as I thank my Heavenly Father for such a good man. My hurt has melted away as the misunderstandings are now made clear. My hurt has changed into love for a man that is generous and kind when he could have been defensive and hurt himself.
Marriage is like this. Sometimes, dumb things pop up that are easily overcome with a little humility. Sometimes, big things lumber in that take more time and even more humility. But placing our faith in our spouse and recognizing the good in them, help us overlook the little irritations and find the love of our lives.
Gottman says that 20% of the things within our spouse are things that we won’t like. And of that 20%, 70% of them will never change. What does that mean? It means that we need to look for the good, and learn to love the bad, even when it gets ugly.
We need to love despite…
And eventually, the despite will no longer matter as our view is full of the good and lovely.
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