Let's Get Together

In the movie The Parent Trap, Haley Mills plays twins intent on bringing her parents back together. When attempts at forcing them to see each other fail in sparking their love for each other, the twins decide to reproduce their first date. It is in this scene that the song “Let’s Get Together” made its debut.

Let's get together, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why don't you and I combine?
Let's get together, what do you say?
We can have a swinging time.
We'd be a crazy team.
Why don't we make a scene?

Together.

Let's get together, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Think of all that we could share.
Let's get together, everyday
Every way and everywhere.
And though we haven't got a lot,
We could be sharing all we've got.

Together.

Oh! I really think you're swell.
Uh huh! We really ring the bell.
Oo wee! And if you stick with me
Nothing could be greater, say hey alligator.

Let's get together, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Two is twice as nice as one.
Let's get together, right away.
We'll be having twice the fun.
And you can always count on me.
A gruesome twosome we will be.
Together, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sometimes, the gruesome twosome seems more prevalent in our marriages than the upbeat and twice as nice picture portrayed in the song. When things come between a couple, they are dealt with in different ways for different people. But how do we keep them from becoming permanently debilitating to our happy marriages?

Dr. John M. Gottman offered five steps to take to help solve differences instead of letting them overcome and destroy your relationship.

Softer Start-up

The first step is having a softer start-up. This means giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Instead of assuming the worst of him or her, assume those thoughts are incorrect and ask for clarification. This is applicable in all relationships.

I remember the first Sunday in our new home. I had taken the kids to church and heard that the choir met after and the invitation was out for new recruits. I decided to attend and had a very negative interaction with a woman there. I came home devastated. She didn’t even know me yet so how could I have caused such a reaction from her? In his wisdom, my husband counseled me to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that something else had affected her that day and it just spilled over onto me. I did this, and over the course of time, I learned that she struggled with depression and our first encounter had nothing to do with me at all.

At another time, I was riding in the car with my husband and he seemed to be pretty upset. I was getting a lot of sarcasm from him and as much as I tried, I couldn’t think of a reason for him to be upset with me. Instead of getting upset with him for being upset, I asked if I had done something to upset him. As it turns out, he had an unresolved issue from work and hadn’t realized he was taking it out on me. When I asked him if I had upset him, he immediately changed his words towards me and apologized for them.

Repair Attempts

The next step is recognizing and offering repair attempts. This means that the things you use to break the tension, such as humor or asking for space, are understood as a willingness to work through the issue. Often times, these are silly inside jokes that to an outsider mean practically nothing.

Shortly after getting married, my husband and I were driving my mother to my grandmother’s home. He had never been there before and in our chatting, we were late in giving him a turn direction. As he slammed on the breaks to make the turn, he angrily said that “it doesn’t turn on a dime!” Over the years, this phrase has come to be a silly memory of a silly argument. Now, when we are confronted with something irritating, you can often hear one or the other of us saying, “It doesn’t turn on a dime!” It makes both of us smile as we think of the humor and the memory.

Over the years, my husband has been really generous in watching my favorite movies over and over again. These movies are not the big blockbusters but generally less well known movies. There have been times when we have become uptight with each other over something and suddenly, he will quote from one of these movies. I recognize that he is trying to cool things between us and reminding me of something I love as well as his love for me. (Our kids can be found quoting from these movies as well and it always breaks the tension in the family.)

Soothing

The third step is soothing yourself and your spouse. When tempers are raised, it is almost impossible to think clearly which means that instead of acting, you tend to react without thinking through not only the immediate consequences of that response, but the long-term consequences as well. Many times, it is better to table a conversation until you have had time to cool down and really think through how you are feeling.

When I was pregnant with our second son, we took a Bradley course for natural childbirth. During the classes, we were taught how to relax our body, muscle by muscle, as well as meditation techniques. The point is to give your body time and place to return to normal functioning instead of high alert. One of my favorite scripture stories is about the woman caught in adultery being brought to the Savior for judgment. Instead of responding to the angry mob at once, Jesus knelt down and wrote in the dirt. He took a moment to collect His thoughts and perhaps ask His Father what the best course would be. We can follow this example and ask for a little time to gather our thoughts before engaging in a negative situation.

Just as importantly is soothing your spouse. This can be done through the simple act of listening and offering understanding without trying to solve the problem. One of the best video’s of this is found at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg on Youtube.

Just this week, my husband came home from dropping off our son at school and was quite upset. When I asked what was wrong, he explained that a police officer had given him a ticket for going 8 miles over the speed limit near our home. He was incensed that she hadn’t given him a warning, and even though he was obviously in the wrong and legally deserving of that ticket, I put all that aside and told him how sorry I was for him and that the police around our small town were always on the look-out to generate money. (If you are a police officer and reading this, please understand that I was soothing my husband and not really disparaging the profession.) There was nothing he or I could do about the incident but he felt that 1) I wasn’t angry at his mistake, and 2) we were in this together.

Compromise

The fourth step is compromise. You are two different people with two different upbringings and teachings. Combining both at marriage is tricky and often times, you find yourself at odds with the mentality of the other spouse. But trying to look at issues from both sides can help you come to a middle ground that both of you are happy with.

I love Christmas time and all its associated decorations. I’ve been collecting Christmas paraphernalia for many decades during our marriage and the collection had become quite large. When my family moved in with us, the available storage space in our home became very limited and my Christmas decorations took up a good portion of that space. The garage had turned into a mess of storage and neither of us was happy. He was irritated by the sheer quantity and I was irritated that he didn’t understand how much joy all the Christmas extras brought to me. It was a serious bone of contention and neither of us was willing to budge.

Then two Christmas’ ago, in all the mess of the garage, we couldn’t find the Christmas tree and in our busyness, we never did get a tree up. It was a depressing Christmas as we placed our wrapped gifts in a pile under the TV. But as depressing as it was for me not to have all the tinsel and lights, it was even more illuminating seeing how relieved my husband was. That was when I decided that there had to be a middle ground.

This past year, I very seriously told my husband that I had to have the tree in the living room by the end of the weekend or I was going to go buy a new tree. Within 15 minutes, the tree had appeared. Because of his willingness to appease my need for some semblance of Christmas cheer, I then went through all my decorations (a massive process) and got rid of more than half of them. It felt so good not having to put up so many things and even better not having to put them away after Christmas. I still got my Christmas bling but with some serious editing. We both were happy with the compromise.

Tolerance

The final step is being tolerant of each other’s faults. We all have need of improvement where we make mistakes or even have habits that drive another person crazy. The way I look at it is if I give my spouse some leeway on those things, then he is more likely to give me leeway on my own. I need his tolerance just as much as he needs mine.

When we practice each of these steps, then we really can get together. Two can be twice as nice and twice as fun. We can count on one another – together!