Tribulation in Marriage

Another bride sighed blissfully on her wedding day, "Mom, I'm at the end of all my troubles!"

"Yes," replied her mother, "but at which end?"

What a great and wise response from this mother! More and more, I am seeing Pinterest boards with "Happily Ever After" as the theme for their weddings. But this is just the beginning of a new journey, not an ending. And just as with any journey, there will be detours, traffic, and unexpected stops. That isn't to say that there won't be some wonderful scenery and enjoyment along the way, just that the journey isn't going to be a nice Sunday cruise around the park.

But would you really want it to be so easy? Wouldn't that bore you? Sometimes, it's the detours that take you on the most spectacular routes. And if the destination came so easily and quickly, would you appreciate it as much as something hard earned?

Marriage, like this travel analogy, is more about the journey than the destination. Marriage is about work and commitment and selflessness. Although my own parents marriage was not perfect, they did teach me that marriage was all about work. You shouldn't expect to sit back after the vows and have life handed to you on a silver platter. That is just not how life works. And you would be bored and dissatisfied if it did.

The Beginning

I remember the beginning of my marriage. We were so in love and skipping through life like Disney characters. I'm sure we were sickening to behold. But life caught up to us with the birth of our first son followed by five years of progressively worsening post-partum depression. This was compounded by five miscarriages and more than anything, I wanted to be done with life altogether! I was tired of being crushed at every turn.

But we took steps together as a couple, to work through these trials. They weren't easy, and life didn't go all rosy in an instant, but they were worth the work. What I didn't realize at that point, was that these trials were preparing us for a much larger trial still to come. it was giving us a shared foundation as my husband and I grew up together. Our thoughts and opinions were being formed and because we were sharing the same experiences, they were forming in very similar ways.

The Middle

Having given up on the possibility of having any more children, we suddenly found ourselves pregnant and past the danger point. It was more than a miracle! Our second son was born and I worked very hard to minimize the post-partum depression that was sure to ensue. We did everything right, and luck seemed to finally be on our side. But luck is a fickle thing...

The weekend before our son turned two, he was in a horrible burn accident and we spent the next six months living in the hospital waiting to see if our son would be able to keep his arms or if they would need to be amputated. Within the second week there, we were introduced to other families in the burn unit and quickly made a friendship with a mother and son that lived near us.

It was during one of our first visits with her that she told me to look around the unit. She indicated that we would rarely see an intact family as something as devastating as this had a tendency to tear marriages apart. Only on rare occasions would it cement a marriage together. I was shocked to see how correct she was. There were very few intact couples.

The stress of trials places a lot of stress on a marriage. When two people are attacking a hardship in two different directions, it often feels like there is no progress being made. The same is felt when only one spouse is working on the hardship and the other has given up. It is only as two people come together, with mutual understanding and an agreed upon game plan that real progress can be felt and hardships overcome. We recognized that our family would be better served if we came together during this time and did all in our power to face this time with a united front.

Nowhere Near the End

More than a dozen years have passed and we were one of the lucky few to understand the benefits of clinging together through that time. Our marriage was cemented, which was good because that wasn't the last of our trials.

Over the years, trials have come, and as we worked together, utilizing the strengths we each brought into the marriage, we have come out better and stronger than before. Spencer W. Kimball said, "... happiness is a state of mind and comes from within. It must be earned. ... but true marriage is based on a happiness ... which comes from giving, serving, sharing, sacrificing, and selflessness. ... The one who marries to give happiness as well as receive it, to give service as well as to receive it, and who looks after the interests of the two and then the family as it comes will have a good chance that the marriage will be a happy one. ... [those things] most vital for love are consideration, kindness, thoughtfulness, concern, expressions of affection, embraces of appreciation, admiration, pride, companionship, confidence, faith, partnership, equality, and interdependence." (Oneness in Marriage)

We are made better as we work together, using the abilities and specific traits each of us brings into a marriage, in overcoming obstacles that enter our path. Marriage isn't happily ever after, but the beginning of something better than a fairy tale. "We are ordinary people who must accomplish a most extraordinary work." (David A. Bednar, Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan)

Are you focusing your efforts on strengthening your marriage and your home?

Why is Marriage Important?

I was raised to believe that marriage was the ideal end. It was a promise made between a man, a woman and, ideally, God. It was the place to create and raise additional beings. But what was traditionally taught has come under attack in the last several decades.

More and more people are confused and undecided on what "marriage" really is. They wonder why it is important and what makes it binding? The controversy is pervasive and globally debated. As much as I still believe that what I was taught as a child is the truth, I can understand the confusion and hurt that this debate is raising.

Having many single, gay and liberal friends and family, I recognize the desires they have and for the most part, those desires are not to be harmful, but to provide what they feel is the best solutions for everyone around them. They raise valid points of concern on the limitations that such a narrow definition of marriage brings to extenuating circumstances. They provide examples of successful exceptions to the rule. And in my love, I can't help but feel understanding and even hopeful.

But these are statistically exceptions and are not typical results.

Contract

 I believe that most people can get behind the idea that a marriage is a kind of contract. In essence, a contract is a promise, but one that can be legally broken.

In ages past, a handshake, or one's word, would be enough to solidify a contract or promise. And these promises were considered sacred and binding. One would never consider breaking that promise as it tainted that one's ability to make any additional contracts. It was a matter of survival for each to be upstanding in fulfilling what had been agreed upon.

However, over time we've lost the need to rely upon others for survival and the contract became flimsier and flimsier. What once was unbreakable steel, now is crepe paper. Just as divorce was once nearly impossible to attain, no-fault-divorce makes a marriage contract literally made of paper with no additional results or penalties.

Binding

So why is it important that a marriage be binding? Shouldn't we be able to love who we want and if that changes, we move to the next love? Aren't we supposed to be happy?

These questions are compelling and would on the surface seem to make sense. But statistically, those that move from one relationship to another, don't find themselves happy. Their overall happiness is less than those that stay committed to their first marriage spouse.

Not only is their happiness diminished with each additional move, but their overall well being takes a dive. Their self-esteem lowers, their health worsens, and their feeling of fulfillment dwindles. They don't feel better, they feel unsatisfied and tend to move on to another relationship even more quickly.

In contrast, a couple that encounter difficulties in their marriage, but find ways to work through the rough patches, tend to have a stronger relationship and greater feelings of happiness. Their overall health is better as well as having a higher level of economic prosperity.

But it's not all about the couple in the relationship. In most marriages, children are part of the equation. Taking what we know about the individual results of marriages that stay together and those that pull apart, we have to assume that there are corresponding results for children within the unit.

Children

Unlike the adults, children are not privy to most of the details leading up to the dissolution of a marriage. Often times, they look to themselves and wonder what they have done to cause the breakup of the family. They are confused, hurt and their self-esteem plummets. This brings on guilt and anger. The resulting statistic have been overwhelmingly confirmed.

The Statistics for Children

(I will keep these as simple and brief as I can.)

Children born into the traditional two parent heterosexual marriage are...

          1. five times less likely to live in poverty and commit crime.
          2. nine times less likely to drop out of school.
          3. twenty times less likely to end up in prison.
          4. less likely to have behavioral problems.
          5. less likely to run away from home.
          6. less likely to become teenage parents themselves.

These are only a few of the statistics that have been researched. There are many more!

Redefining Marriage

What happens with the redefining of a marriage? As well as the reasons stated above for the benefits of a heterosexual marriage, redefining marriage will and already are impeding on the rights we fought so hard to win as we formed this nation.

The freedom of speech is being drastically censored. Although it is the right for those against traditional marriage to speak, and even scream, their beliefs, when the opposite view is given, it is tainted as prejudice and linked to images of intolerance.

The freedom of religion is being eroded. Churches are being told they must allow and participate in things that are contrary to their moral standing. Essentially, they are being told that they can't believe what they do or there will be serious consequences.

These are only two examples of what is and will continue to occur with the redefinition of what marriage is. How much harm will we do to ourselves, our children and our future in the name of silence and tolerance?

Divorce

          Divorce is perhaps the adversary's greatest weapon. With the advent of the no-fault divorce, the number of those who take hold of this easy out has increased dramatically. This is an action that is taken with little consideration on its own selfishness or the eternal impact on the Lord's plan.

          Not only are hearts solidified toward the spouse, but also toward the innocent victims affected. I can think of three reasons for this. First, they are so wrapped up in their own emotional turmoil; they are oblivious to their children's confusion, hurt and pain. Second, they are guarding their heart against the pain that comes when recognizing the harm they are causing an innocent. Third, they have traveled so far down the path of the adversary that they are past feeling and don't care about who they are hurting.

          Statistically, we know that children of divorce have lower grades, higher incidents of drug and alcohol abuse, greater chance of early pre-marital sex and increased risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease, as well as a whole host of other negative impacts. They learn that divorce is the easy and expected option and the probability of their repeating the cycle is increased beginning another generation with poor future prospects.

          So why is divorce so often implemented with the widely documented detriment it poses to the family? Having witnessed my own parents divorce and the divorce of many friends, siblings and co-workers, I've heard many reasons given. 1) Thy felt that they were unhappy and could be happier alone or with someone else. 2)The spouse took part in an act that the other could not forgive or the spouse would not forsake. 3) The marriage wasn't what they had expected it would be and they were disillusioned.

          These are all valid feelings, but let's look at each of these reasons individually. Suprisingly, research has been done, and often times extensively, on the expected effects those that sought divorce actually experienced.

Future Happiness

          Elder Oaks from the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles quoted that "a broad-based international study of the levels of happiness before and after 'major life events' found that, on average, persons are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness after the death of a spouse than after a divorce." He also indicated that there is "no evidence that divorce or separation typically made adults happier than staying in an unhappy marriage."

          I believe that happiness is a personal choice that we make each day. Just as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz discovered, you don't have to look beyond your own back yard to find happiness. Depending on others to provide that happiness is perhaps the real issue.

Unforgiving/Unrepentant

          I again quote Elder Oaks when he said, "I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness." Within our human frailty, we each make mistakes. There are same mistakes that are more hurtful and harmful, but the Lord has offered forgiveness to those who seek it diligently (Moroni 6:8), and commanded us to also forgive. "I the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." D&C 64:10

          Withholding forgiveness does more harm to the individual than it does to the person requesting it. The bitterness and anger tears you up inside and doesn't allow you to feel the healing that comes through the act of forgiving. It stops your progress to succinctly ascertain the extent of the problem and find solutions to repair and rebuild the relationship. It becomes like a blinder to a horse. You can't see any possibility on the left or the right, and only focus what is right in front of you.

          Another tool of the adversary is assuming there is no returning from poor choices. He wants you to think you have messed up so badly, there is no hope. It destroys your self-image as well as your ability to take the necessary steps to seek forgiveness and move on to healthier resolutions. Again, I quote from Moroni 6:8 "But as oft as they repented and sought forgiveness, with real intent, they were forgiven."

         Both the act of forgiving and repenting requires the individual to seek humility. An often quoted saying is,  "When life give you more than you can stand, kneel." This humility will bring you closer together as a couple as well as engender an atmosphere of mutual determination to work out a solution.

Disillusionment

          Unlike driving, we are not required to study and become proficient in marriage prior to receiving a marriage license. Most of us enter marriage with vague ideas and Disney-esque assumptions on what our marriage will entail. Still, fewer of us take the time to work through our expectations with our spouse. This sets us up for a sense of disillusionment when two different people bring two different sets of expectations into the marriage.

          Our backgrounds play a big role in what we feel is appropriate and normal. But no two backgrounds are going to be the same which means that "normal" is only normal to the individual. These missed communications are leading causes for the feeling of disillusionment.

          In all those that I've had opportunity to talk to, the overwhelming response to the question of whether divorce was the right step to take, the honest answers were universally unsure. One woman confessed that had she known the reality of post-divorce, she would never have sought it in the first place and wished she could go back to before and work harder at making it succeed. Another woman spoke of how hard life was and emotionally detrimental her divorce left her. She wished it had never happened.

          President Spencer W. Kimball said, "Soul mates' are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price." Elder Oaks also said, "[A] good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection."

          So how do we find or repair a relationship to last? Elder Oaks said, "To avoid so-called 'incompatibility', they should be best friends, kind and considerate, sensitive to each other's needs, always seeking to make each other happy. They should be partners in family finances, working together to regulate their desires for temporal things." Loving someone means sacrifice on both individuals parts. Seeking for understanding through study is not admitting failure but displaying responsibility towards your role in a marriage.

          One final thought. One of my personal principles is to never use the word "divorce". I feel that the more often it is bantered about, the easier it is to see it as a valid option. Elder Oaks said, "The kind of marriage required for exaltation - eternal in duration and godlike in quality - does not contemplate divorce." Going into a marriage, or even starting where you are, with the expectation that it is going to last through thick and thin, frees you up to do whatever it takes to make that a reality.