Pride

Let’s talk about pride for a few minutes. I remember hearing a talk as a young girl about pride. In it was a story about a man receiving an award for his humility, and as he accepted the award, he realized that he was no longer humble but full of pride. In essence, the moment you feel like you’ve got the whole humble thing down, that is when you have to start working on it again. It was an amusing story and I began to understand that humility is a life-long quest and nothing that you can ever say you’ve perfected. 

Which makes the idea of struggling with humility a little easier when you think that every other person on earth has the same struggle. So if it is such a never ending struggle, why bother with it at all? There are several reasons.

First, people don’t like to be around a prideful person for very long. Those filled with pride become obnoxious and hard. They tend to want their way and feel that they are always right. It’s no fun dealing with that kind of attitude. 

Second, prideful people don’t tend to work well with others. They rarely listen to the ideas of others and when they do, they don’t give their ideas much if any consideration. This is especially hard in a marriage.

Marriage

When my husband and I were pregnant with our first, we had a day that we decided to take a drive to Potato Lake for fun. Travel was easy until the final ten miles where we had to turn off the highway and travel around the mountain on a dirt road. As we progressed, my anxiety over my husband’s driving increased until I finally asked him to slow down. He said he would, but if there was a change of speed, I was unaware of it.

As we went around corners, I could feel the back wheels skidding out on the soft dirt and I could look out my window and see down the steep side of the mountain to the bottom several hundred feet below. My hands were in death grips on the door and the side of my seat. My feet were firmly planted on the imaginary brake pedal in front of me.

Suddenly, on a sharp turn, the wheels completely spun out and in an attempt to keep us from flying off the mountain, my husband overcorrected and ended going up the opposite side of the mountain, mowing down several small trees in the process, and finally ending in a ditch.

I was furious! I had asked him to slow down, but to my knowledge he had decided he had control of the vehicle and didn’t need to. We were extraordinarily lucky not to go careening off the mountain and we were lucky to land upright in the ditch. But husband didn’t think that this turn of events was due to his reckless driving, so much as old tires and a dirt road.

After pulling tree limbs out of our grill, and deciding we were so close to the lake that it would be a shame to turn around at this point, we got back on the road for the final two miles to the lake. Once again I felt he was driving too fast, and decided I had every right to not so nicely tell him that I didn’t appreciate that he was trying to kill both my and our baby. In my pride, I knew I was right and he was absolutely wrong!

But I wasn’t the only one full of pride at this moment. My husband’s response was to put on just a little more speed with a comment that he was a very good driver and I was being ridiculous. We both were fuming at this point.

Less than five minutes later, blinded by the sun in his eyes and distracted by a trailer on the side of the road, my scream came too late as he drove straight into a downed log the size of a large couch. Imagine a very pregnant woman, already upset with her husband’s driving and stewing in her righteous pride now completely incensed at this second attempt on her life by someone so wrapped up in his own pride, he ignored safety measures to prove he was right.

But who was really right?

Results of Pride

Was I right? When looking at the facts, it appears that my case is more solid than my husbands, but I was just as full of pride in my absolute correctness as he was in his recklessness. My pride did just as much damage as the trees did to our vehicle; maybe even more damage. For years after this episode, I couldn’t ride in the vehicle with my husband driving without gripping the sides of the seat which he could see and it would irritate him to no end. I spent countless drives telling him to slow down and reminding him of this moment. I shoved it in his face over and over again, but in my pride, I felt justified.

In his prideful anger, he maintained that his driving skills were superior and took stupid risks to prove his agility. It got to the point that I didn’t have to say anything to him, as a look from me or a view of my gripping hands was enough to set him over the edge about his driving. We were both full of pride and neither of us was willing to let it go. Instead of treating the episode as a crazy accident that could have happened to anyone, we both blamed each other and the irritation had echoing effects for many years after.

 

Letting Go of Pride

Learning to let go of your pride is not easy. We all have heard the warnings that pride goes before the fall and is one of the deadly sins. But pride is essentially selfish. It is the desire to have more or better than another. It is belief only in self and what you feel you deserve. Joyce Meyer said, “Pride is an independent, me-oriented spirit. It makes people arrogant, rude and hard to get along with. When our heart is prideful, we don’t give God the credit and we mistreat people, looking down on them and thinking we deserve what we have.” Ezra Taft Benson spoke frequently on pride. Two of his well known quotes are: “The proud wish God would agree with them. They are not interested in changing their opinions to agree with God’s.” and “Pride adversely affects all our relationships – our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind.”

But understanding that pride is not good, how do we eliminate it from our hearts? C.S. Lewis may have had the key when he said, “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man… It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition is gone, pride is gone.”

Remembering that we all make mistakes, and we are each children of God, it is easier to take away the competition that so readily besets our minds. In loving your spouse, wouldn’t you want to have them succeed? In looking at your neighbor or co-worker and realizing that they are your brother or sister, wouldn’t you want them to be happy? Forgetting about the competition is as easy as desiring a loving attitude towards all. Understanding that we are all from a loving Heavenly Father, makes it so that these are not strangers or associates, but family members. Praying for the ability to let go of pride is something I do every day.

Turning Towards Each Other

It is late and I am tired when I find myself irritated with the sound of my husband's breathing. It sounds like a turbo engine when he breathes. I want to drag him to the bathroom and trim every possible nose hair so that there is nothing to produce this cacophony of sound. But I remind myself that we haven't been getting enough sleep and we are wearing down. This irritation that seems so overwhelming is, in reality, one of my own making.

Over the years, I've learned to recognize that when I find myself thinking this way, I need to step back mentally and look at what is really bothering me. Often, I am not taking care of myself like I should. Sometimes, he is getting sick and can't help his breathing. Nearly always, the sound of his breathing is not the real problem.

How often do we get irritated for things that are not the real issue? How often do we recognize what the real issue is?

Each of us bring irritants into a marriage and many times we don't even realize they are irritating. It's not until the other spouse finally points them out or even explodes over them that we become aware of our "flaws". Knowing that we all have these brings a greater understanding for working through them with each other. When we are gracious to our spouse, they are more inclined to be gracious to us about our own.

H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D. said, "Irritation is an invitation to better thinking and acting ... It is a matter of replacing irritation with compassion and charity; replacing accusation with humility; replacing frustration with invitation." Being aware of these irritations and what they really constitute allows us to work through the bottom line of the issue.

John M. Gottman, Ph.D. promotes an exercise of simulated scenarios where one spouse approaches the other with a seemingly upset reaction. The idea is to disseminate what the real issue is and what an appropriate response might be. Unlike IKEA furniture, we don't come with assembly manuals, and it is up to each of us to figure out how to read our spouse and even ourselves. We need to become competent with reading between the lines so that we understand what it is that is truly being said.

I love the example the Savior gave when the woman found in adultery was brought to him. The crowd was condemning and demanding a response from Christ. Instead of responding immediately, he bent down and wrote on the ground. Without looking up, he finally offered that "he without sin cast the first stone." Christ took a moment to think through and possibly to consult with his father in prayer, on how to respond.

Taking a moment to allow comprehension and perhaps even inspiration to come, would alleviate many issues that suddenly expand and explode into heated battle. Gottman also said, "... if we replace judgment and condemnation of each other with compassion and love, we not only find more peace, serenity, and tranquiltiy but also become one smidgen more like God."

Sometimes, we've been hurt so often, we can't begin to contemplate the idea of there being an underlying meaning to our spouses words. Sometimes it's all we can do not to strike back or sink into the idea of hopelessness. But there is hope and there is help! Howard W. Hunter said, "Whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives."

When a spirit has been hurt repeatedly to this point, we can't recover and resuscitate it on our own. But we aren't required to, either. Our Savior is the savior of all things, including our marriages and relationships. Turning toward Him will help us turn toward our spouses as well. "When we put God first, everything else falls into its proper place!" (Gottman). I am not saying it will be easy or quick, but every little effort put forward moves us on the path back to the kind of relationship the Lord wants us to be blessed in.

Keeping in mind that these irritations and challenges that we encounter in marriage is for our growth and benefit, might help as you begin this healing path. Brigham Young said, "There is not a single condition of life that is entirely unnecessary; there is not one hour's experience but what is beneficial to all those who make it their study, and aim to improve upon the expereince they gain."

Marriage, just like life, was not meant to be easy and clear sailing. There would be no growth in that kind of relationship. As you grow through figuring out how to best work through the issues and irritations that come through marriage, you will begin to see that you turn more and more toward your spouse. When you both begin turning toward each other, your bond is strengthened and the challenges and irritations become easier to take care of.

Singing Their Praise

It is 2:00 in the afternoon and the bell rings. Over the next four minutes, 53 middle school boys enter my classroom and I am filled with joy. They come in dancing and singing and joking and smiling. I can't help but feel the joy of life through them and I count my blessings that I experience this rush of enthusiasm and excitement each day.

This is a moment I cherish in my long days of struggling to teach these precious middle schoolers and I can't help but express to them how much happiness they bring me as they love life. I can tell that my words of gratitude for them spur them on to find even more reasons to be happy. It's a self-perpetuating circle of joy. Because they are happy, I am happy and because I am happy, they are happy.

This doesn't have to be a self-perpetuating circle of joy that I experience only at work. I can have this same experience at home with my husband.

At times, you may ask yourself how that could possibly happen. You know each other too well, with all the good, bad and ugly. Or perhaps those cute little quirks you noticed during courtship have turned into raging irritations post-ring-ceremony. You are not alone! We all struggle to find happiness with the person we are now spending the majority of our time with. It is no longer a matter of "me," but of "we" and that takes some sacrificing.

Tzvetan Todorov said, "To care about someone does not mean sacrificing one's time and energy for that person. It means devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so; in the end, one feels richer for one's efforts, not poorer." Can that be possible? Can you give and feel an increase? The Lord has been clear in His answer of yes. "Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again." (Luke 6:38)

What kind of sacrifice are we talking about? How about your time, your thoughts, your words, and your love? In Luke 12:34, it is given plainly what the sacrifice should be. "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." We need to be treating our marriages as treasures with full commitment of heart. We can demonstrate this through multiple ways, but the way I find best is through positive thoughts and words about our spouse.

John Gottman, Ph.D. said, "Singing each other's praises can only benefit your marriage." Over my years, I have found that the little effort it takes for me to compliment or praise someone to others, costs me very little but pays large dividends back. Goethe said, "If you treat a man as he ought to be, he will become what he ought to be." By sharing the positive, your spouse will work harder to emulate those compliments and surpass them.

But sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it is hard to remember the positive. Gottman also said, "When you acknoledge and openly discuss positive aspects of your partner and marriage, your bond is strengthened. This makes it much easier to address the problem areas in your marriage and make some positive changes." If you have laid a foundation of affirmative words, the troubled times are much easier to navigate through. It is at those times that looking back on the good helps you remember what it is that you are there for. These memories are a powerful buffer during the darker times.

However, we are not alone during those dark times. H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D. said, "Each of us should pray earnestly for the heavenly help to make those sacrifices that will sanctify our relationships. As we enter our homes, we can pause to beseech God to grant us grace, goodness, mercy, compassion, and patience. We can ask Father to help us see our partner and his or her struggles witht he loving-kindness with which He views them." Marriage was ordained with Adam and Eve, and if God is the same yesterday, today and always, then He has the utmost concern for your marriage. He will walk with you through the troubled times and if you turn to Him for help, He will guide you safely through to happier days.

Love your spouse and remember what it is that drew you to them in the first place. Be kind and gentel. Speak only of their positive qualities to others so that your spouse will have trust in your love and confidnce. Sing their praise and watch the self-perpetuating circle of joy take shape.

Grace and Mercy

These are two of my favorite words! But how do they apply to love in marriage? According to H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D., "Grace and mercy are at the heart of loving family life." So often, we feel safe within the walls of our home and know that even when we take out our frustrations on those within them, they are supposed to still love and care for us. They are supposed to understand and not hold it against us. But is that fair?

It is true, that a good marriage should mean a safe harbor from the world, but it should also be one of the most cherished and precious relationships because of this. Just as with fine crystal, if you ignore it, the dust will dim its luster and if you are careless with it, when dropped it shatters, often beyond repair. But we can make this relationship one that is cherished and kept precious, starting today. We make these changes through grace and mercy.

Grace

Grace means elegance or beauty of form, manner or action. Within a marriage relationship, this means that our actions, words and thoughts need to be full of elegance and beauty. Coming into a situation with the idea of elegance and beauty, you are already establishing a pattern of taking a higher road. When both spouses approach with this same foundation, then hearts are gentle and open to understanding the other. It is then that full pictures can be seen and options become evident that alone, were hidden.

But grace also means favor or goodwill. Has there been a time when you purposefully wanted to hurt your spouse? When that happens, do you understand why you have this desire? Often times, when I find myself treading this path, it is because of my own pride. I need to be right. Thomas S. Monson admonished us "never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved" (Finding Joy in the Journey). When looking at the issues, is it more important than the person you felt so strongly about as to connect your life to theirs? Remembering the love that began your relationship helps to make you willing to put aside your pride or selfishness and listen to your spouse.

Grace also means clemency, pardon and temporary immunity. Many times we see our spouse doing something we don't understand and find annoying, or hurtful. But having this grace means reserving judgment and conclusions. It means giving the benefit of the doubt and asking for understanding. Perhaps they don't recognize what their actions are causing and by tempering your own reactions, you allow for a flow of communication that responding in anger would cut-off.

Some of the synonyms for grace include: glorify, elevate, exalt, enhance, honor, forgive, charity, mercy, kindness, love and benignity. These are all worthy words to have describing one's behavior and character. Thumper's mother cautioned him, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." I am not advocating stonewalling, or the silent treatment, but I am advocating the practice of the golden rule. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." When you act with grace, you open the way for your spouse to choose grace as well.

Mercy

Mercy is compassion and benevolence. It is something we give even when it is undeserved. We are all in need of mercy as we each make mistakes every day. We have the supreme example of mercy through Jesus Christ. With His Atonement, we are able to repent of our sins and through His mercy have justice satisfied. This is more than we deserve or could do alone.

Within our marriages, we need to show mercy when our spouses make mistakes. Of course they will, just as we will. But as we show mercy, empathizing with them, our marriages can be made stronger. We do this by being kind and forgiving.

These are not traits that come easily as we've been conditioned by life to take care of ourselves first and fight for our stances. But these are traits that will begin us on a journey of love and fulfillment in marriage. And just as a side note, as well as employing these traits for our spouses, we need to employ them for ourselves as well. We need to be merciful and show grace for our own foibles. We all make mistakes, but negativity only prolongs the recovery.