"Yes," replied her mother, "but at which end?"
What a great and wise response from this mother! More and more, I am seeing Pinterest boards with "Happily Ever After" as the theme for their weddings. But this is just the beginning of a new journey, not an ending. And just as with any journey, there will be detours, traffic, and unexpected stops. That isn't to say that there won't be some wonderful scenery and enjoyment along the way, just that the journey isn't going to be a nice Sunday cruise around the park.
But would you really want it to be so easy? Wouldn't that bore you? Sometimes, it's the detours that take you on the most spectacular routes. And if the destination came so easily and quickly, would you appreciate it as much as something hard earned?
Marriage, like this travel analogy, is more about the journey than the destination. Marriage is about work and commitment and selflessness. Although my own parents marriage was not perfect, they did teach me that marriage was all about work. You shouldn't expect to sit back after the vows and have life handed to you on a silver platter. That is just not how life works. And you would be bored and dissatisfied if it did.
The Beginning
I remember the beginning of my marriage. We were so in love and skipping through life like Disney characters. I'm sure we were sickening to behold. But life caught up to us with the birth of our first son followed by five years of progressively worsening post-partum depression. This was compounded by five miscarriages and more than anything, I wanted to be done with life altogether! I was tired of being crushed at every turn.
But we took steps together as a couple, to work through these trials. They weren't easy, and life didn't go all rosy in an instant, but they were worth the work. What I didn't realize at that point, was that these trials were preparing us for a much larger trial still to come. it was giving us a shared foundation as my husband and I grew up together. Our thoughts and opinions were being formed and because we were sharing the same experiences, they were forming in very similar ways.
The Middle
Having given up on the possibility of having any more children, we suddenly found ourselves pregnant and past the danger point. It was more than a miracle! Our second son was born and I worked very hard to minimize the post-partum depression that was sure to ensue. We did everything right, and luck seemed to finally be on our side. But luck is a fickle thing...
The weekend before our son turned two, he was in a horrible burn accident and we spent the next six months living in the hospital waiting to see if our son would be able to keep his arms or if they would need to be amputated. Within the second week there, we were introduced to other families in the burn unit and quickly made a friendship with a mother and son that lived near us.
It was during one of our first visits with her that she told me to look around the unit. She indicated that we would rarely see an intact family as something as devastating as this had a tendency to tear marriages apart. Only on rare occasions would it cement a marriage together. I was shocked to see how correct she was. There were very few intact couples.
The stress of trials places a lot of stress on a marriage. When two people are attacking a hardship in two different directions, it often feels like there is no progress being made. The same is felt when only one spouse is working on the hardship and the other has given up. It is only as two people come together, with mutual understanding and an agreed upon game plan that real progress can be felt and hardships overcome. We recognized that our family would be better served if we came together during this time and did all in our power to face this time with a united front.
Nowhere Near the End
More than a dozen years have passed and we were one of the lucky few to understand the benefits of clinging together through that time. Our marriage was cemented, which was good because that wasn't the last of our trials.
Over the years, trials have come, and as we worked together, utilizing the strengths we each brought into the marriage, we have come out better and stronger than before. Spencer W. Kimball said, "... happiness is a state of mind and comes from within. It must be earned. ... but true marriage is based on a happiness ... which comes from giving, serving, sharing, sacrificing, and selflessness. ... The one who marries to give happiness as well as receive it, to give service as well as to receive it, and who looks after the interests of the two and then the family as it comes will have a good chance that the marriage will be a happy one. ... [those things] most vital for love are consideration, kindness, thoughtfulness, concern, expressions of affection, embraces of appreciation, admiration, pride, companionship, confidence, faith, partnership, equality, and interdependence." (Oneness in Marriage)
We are made better as we work together, using the abilities and specific traits each of us brings into a marriage, in overcoming obstacles that enter our path. Marriage isn't happily ever after, but the beginning of something better than a fairy tale. "We are ordinary people who must accomplish a most extraordinary work." (David A. Bednar, Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan)
Are you focusing your efforts on strengthening your marriage and your home?
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