Divorce

          Divorce is perhaps the adversary's greatest weapon. With the advent of the no-fault divorce, the number of those who take hold of this easy out has increased dramatically. This is an action that is taken with little consideration on its own selfishness or the eternal impact on the Lord's plan.

          Not only are hearts solidified toward the spouse, but also toward the innocent victims affected. I can think of three reasons for this. First, they are so wrapped up in their own emotional turmoil; they are oblivious to their children's confusion, hurt and pain. Second, they are guarding their heart against the pain that comes when recognizing the harm they are causing an innocent. Third, they have traveled so far down the path of the adversary that they are past feeling and don't care about who they are hurting.

          Statistically, we know that children of divorce have lower grades, higher incidents of drug and alcohol abuse, greater chance of early pre-marital sex and increased risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease, as well as a whole host of other negative impacts. They learn that divorce is the easy and expected option and the probability of their repeating the cycle is increased beginning another generation with poor future prospects.

          So why is divorce so often implemented with the widely documented detriment it poses to the family? Having witnessed my own parents divorce and the divorce of many friends, siblings and co-workers, I've heard many reasons given. 1) Thy felt that they were unhappy and could be happier alone or with someone else. 2)The spouse took part in an act that the other could not forgive or the spouse would not forsake. 3) The marriage wasn't what they had expected it would be and they were disillusioned.

          These are all valid feelings, but let's look at each of these reasons individually. Suprisingly, research has been done, and often times extensively, on the expected effects those that sought divorce actually experienced.

Future Happiness

          Elder Oaks from the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles quoted that "a broad-based international study of the levels of happiness before and after 'major life events' found that, on average, persons are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness after the death of a spouse than after a divorce." He also indicated that there is "no evidence that divorce or separation typically made adults happier than staying in an unhappy marriage."

          I believe that happiness is a personal choice that we make each day. Just as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz discovered, you don't have to look beyond your own back yard to find happiness. Depending on others to provide that happiness is perhaps the real issue.

Unforgiving/Unrepentant

          I again quote Elder Oaks when he said, "I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness." Within our human frailty, we each make mistakes. There are same mistakes that are more hurtful and harmful, but the Lord has offered forgiveness to those who seek it diligently (Moroni 6:8), and commanded us to also forgive. "I the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." D&C 64:10

          Withholding forgiveness does more harm to the individual than it does to the person requesting it. The bitterness and anger tears you up inside and doesn't allow you to feel the healing that comes through the act of forgiving. It stops your progress to succinctly ascertain the extent of the problem and find solutions to repair and rebuild the relationship. It becomes like a blinder to a horse. You can't see any possibility on the left or the right, and only focus what is right in front of you.

          Another tool of the adversary is assuming there is no returning from poor choices. He wants you to think you have messed up so badly, there is no hope. It destroys your self-image as well as your ability to take the necessary steps to seek forgiveness and move on to healthier resolutions. Again, I quote from Moroni 6:8 "But as oft as they repented and sought forgiveness, with real intent, they were forgiven."

         Both the act of forgiving and repenting requires the individual to seek humility. An often quoted saying is,  "When life give you more than you can stand, kneel." This humility will bring you closer together as a couple as well as engender an atmosphere of mutual determination to work out a solution.

Disillusionment

          Unlike driving, we are not required to study and become proficient in marriage prior to receiving a marriage license. Most of us enter marriage with vague ideas and Disney-esque assumptions on what our marriage will entail. Still, fewer of us take the time to work through our expectations with our spouse. This sets us up for a sense of disillusionment when two different people bring two different sets of expectations into the marriage.

          Our backgrounds play a big role in what we feel is appropriate and normal. But no two backgrounds are going to be the same which means that "normal" is only normal to the individual. These missed communications are leading causes for the feeling of disillusionment.

          In all those that I've had opportunity to talk to, the overwhelming response to the question of whether divorce was the right step to take, the honest answers were universally unsure. One woman confessed that had she known the reality of post-divorce, she would never have sought it in the first place and wished she could go back to before and work harder at making it succeed. Another woman spoke of how hard life was and emotionally detrimental her divorce left her. She wished it had never happened.

          President Spencer W. Kimball said, "Soul mates' are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price." Elder Oaks also said, "[A] good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection."

          So how do we find or repair a relationship to last? Elder Oaks said, "To avoid so-called 'incompatibility', they should be best friends, kind and considerate, sensitive to each other's needs, always seeking to make each other happy. They should be partners in family finances, working together to regulate their desires for temporal things." Loving someone means sacrifice on both individuals parts. Seeking for understanding through study is not admitting failure but displaying responsibility towards your role in a marriage.

          One final thought. One of my personal principles is to never use the word "divorce". I feel that the more often it is bantered about, the easier it is to see it as a valid option. Elder Oaks said, "The kind of marriage required for exaltation - eternal in duration and godlike in quality - does not contemplate divorce." Going into a marriage, or even starting where you are, with the expectation that it is going to last through thick and thin, frees you up to do whatever it takes to make that a reality.