Turning Towards Each Other

It is late and I am tired when I find myself irritated with the sound of my husband's breathing. It sounds like a turbo engine when he breathes. I want to drag him to the bathroom and trim every possible nose hair so that there is nothing to produce this cacophony of sound. But I remind myself that we haven't been getting enough sleep and we are wearing down. This irritation that seems so overwhelming is, in reality, one of my own making.

Over the years, I've learned to recognize that when I find myself thinking this way, I need to step back mentally and look at what is really bothering me. Often, I am not taking care of myself like I should. Sometimes, he is getting sick and can't help his breathing. Nearly always, the sound of his breathing is not the real problem.

How often do we get irritated for things that are not the real issue? How often do we recognize what the real issue is?

Each of us bring irritants into a marriage and many times we don't even realize they are irritating. It's not until the other spouse finally points them out or even explodes over them that we become aware of our "flaws". Knowing that we all have these brings a greater understanding for working through them with each other. When we are gracious to our spouse, they are more inclined to be gracious to us about our own.

H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D. said, "Irritation is an invitation to better thinking and acting ... It is a matter of replacing irritation with compassion and charity; replacing accusation with humility; replacing frustration with invitation." Being aware of these irritations and what they really constitute allows us to work through the bottom line of the issue.

John M. Gottman, Ph.D. promotes an exercise of simulated scenarios where one spouse approaches the other with a seemingly upset reaction. The idea is to disseminate what the real issue is and what an appropriate response might be. Unlike IKEA furniture, we don't come with assembly manuals, and it is up to each of us to figure out how to read our spouse and even ourselves. We need to become competent with reading between the lines so that we understand what it is that is truly being said.

I love the example the Savior gave when the woman found in adultery was brought to him. The crowd was condemning and demanding a response from Christ. Instead of responding immediately, he bent down and wrote on the ground. Without looking up, he finally offered that "he without sin cast the first stone." Christ took a moment to think through and possibly to consult with his father in prayer, on how to respond.

Taking a moment to allow comprehension and perhaps even inspiration to come, would alleviate many issues that suddenly expand and explode into heated battle. Gottman also said, "... if we replace judgment and condemnation of each other with compassion and love, we not only find more peace, serenity, and tranquiltiy but also become one smidgen more like God."

Sometimes, we've been hurt so often, we can't begin to contemplate the idea of there being an underlying meaning to our spouses words. Sometimes it's all we can do not to strike back or sink into the idea of hopelessness. But there is hope and there is help! Howard W. Hunter said, "Whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives."

When a spirit has been hurt repeatedly to this point, we can't recover and resuscitate it on our own. But we aren't required to, either. Our Savior is the savior of all things, including our marriages and relationships. Turning toward Him will help us turn toward our spouses as well. "When we put God first, everything else falls into its proper place!" (Gottman). I am not saying it will be easy or quick, but every little effort put forward moves us on the path back to the kind of relationship the Lord wants us to be blessed in.

Keeping in mind that these irritations and challenges that we encounter in marriage is for our growth and benefit, might help as you begin this healing path. Brigham Young said, "There is not a single condition of life that is entirely unnecessary; there is not one hour's experience but what is beneficial to all those who make it their study, and aim to improve upon the expereince they gain."

Marriage, just like life, was not meant to be easy and clear sailing. There would be no growth in that kind of relationship. As you grow through figuring out how to best work through the issues and irritations that come through marriage, you will begin to see that you turn more and more toward your spouse. When you both begin turning toward each other, your bond is strengthened and the challenges and irritations become easier to take care of.