This is a moment I cherish in my long days of struggling to teach these precious middle schoolers and I can't help but express to them how much happiness they bring me as they love life. I can tell that my words of gratitude for them spur them on to find even more reasons to be happy. It's a self-perpetuating circle of joy. Because they are happy, I am happy and because I am happy, they are happy.
This doesn't have to be a self-perpetuating circle of joy that I experience only at work. I can have this same experience at home with my husband.
At times, you may ask yourself how that could possibly happen. You know each other too well, with all the good, bad and ugly. Or perhaps those cute little quirks you noticed during courtship have turned into raging irritations post-ring-ceremony. You are not alone! We all struggle to find happiness with the person we are now spending the majority of our time with. It is no longer a matter of "me," but of "we" and that takes some sacrificing.
Tzvetan Todorov said, "To care about someone does not mean sacrificing one's time and energy for that person. It means devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so; in the end, one feels richer for one's efforts, not poorer." Can that be possible? Can you give and feel an increase? The Lord has been clear in His answer of yes. "Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again." (Luke 6:38)
What kind of sacrifice are we talking about? How about your time, your thoughts, your words, and your love? In Luke 12:34, it is given plainly what the sacrifice should be. "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." We need to be treating our marriages as treasures with full commitment of heart. We can demonstrate this through multiple ways, but the way I find best is through positive thoughts and words about our spouse.
John Gottman, Ph.D. said, "Singing each other's praises can only benefit your marriage." Over my years, I have found that the little effort it takes for me to compliment or praise someone to others, costs me very little but pays large dividends back. Goethe said, "If you treat a man as he ought to be, he will become what he ought to be." By sharing the positive, your spouse will work harder to emulate those compliments and surpass them.
But sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it is hard to remember the positive. Gottman also said, "When you acknoledge and openly discuss positive aspects of your partner and marriage, your bond is strengthened. This makes it much easier to address the problem areas in your marriage and make some positive changes." If you have laid a foundation of affirmative words, the troubled times are much easier to navigate through. It is at those times that looking back on the good helps you remember what it is that you are there for. These memories are a powerful buffer during the darker times.
However, we are not alone during those dark times. H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D. said, "Each of us should pray earnestly for the heavenly help to make those sacrifices that will sanctify our relationships. As we enter our homes, we can pause to beseech God to grant us grace, goodness, mercy, compassion, and patience. We can ask Father to help us see our partner and his or her struggles witht he loving-kindness with which He views them." Marriage was ordained with Adam and Eve, and if God is the same yesterday, today and always, then He has the utmost concern for your marriage. He will walk with you through the troubled times and if you turn to Him for help, He will guide you safely through to happier days.
Love your spouse and remember what it is that drew you to them in the first place. Be kind and gentel. Speak only of their positive qualities to others so that your spouse will have trust in your love and confidnce. Sing their praise and watch the self-perpetuating circle of joy take shape.
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