Show Me the Money

“You can never get enough of what you don’t need, because what you don’t need can never satisfy you.”

Go ahead, read the first sentence again. It’s deep, isn’t it? But think about it. What are you spending your money on that isn’t a need? I like blankets, which I know is a strange thing to collect, but do the blankets really satisfy me? No. I don’t sit on the couch with each of my blankets covering me and think, “Now that I’ve placed the thirteenth blanket on me, I am finally satisfied and happy.” More likely, I’m thinking: “Holy cow I’m hot! And don’t let the cats sit on these blankets because then I’ll have to wash all of them.” That’s a lot of work and stuff eating up time and energy for stuff I don’t need and if I was really honest, use as a substitute for happiness when I’m not willing to work for the real deal. I’m talking real, true happiness.

So where does the black hole come from that sucks away the joy of life? For most people, it is the constant nagging in their minds of the massive list of “shoulds” and the never ending list of “needs” quickly followed by the devastating list of “failures”. Many times, the lists are precipitated on money matters. 

The world revolves around the all mighty dollar and there are precious few who feel like they have a real handle on the management of their capitol. Statistically, most marriages fail due in some part to money issues. These issues cause stress, anxiety, anger, envy, sorrow, hopelessness, etc. The list of emotions connected to money problems is amazingly diverse and extensive.

For me, I grew up in a home where debt was just part of life. It never occurred to me that I should avoid debt. There were no moments in my education, whether at school or at home, when someone told me that I could live a life without debt. And so I blindly followed the pattern set by my parents and in less than three years racked up nearly $50,000 worth of credit card debt. When we sold our homes, the debt was cancelled out and you would think that we would have been wiser. But without the education to tell us that debt didn’t have to be a normal part of life, we fell back into the trap of debt. Perhaps it was a combination of not being educated and the easy windfall of the house sell that allowed us too easily to cancel out our initial debt, that clouded our understanding on how to stay out of debt and the peace that brings.

J. Reuben Clark Jr. described it this way: “Interest never sleeps nor sickens nor dies; it never goes to the hospital; it works on Sundays and holidays; it never takes a vacation. … Once in debt, interest is your companion every minute of the day and night; you cannot shun it or slip away from it; you cannot dismiss it; it yields neither to entreaties, demands, or orders; and whenever you get in its way or cross its course or fail to meet its demands, it crushes you.”

We were in bondage and had all the range of negative feelings from the list. Buying a gallon of milk sent me into a panic some days. We couldn’t afford it because of the payments we had to manage. The juggling of cards was a constant endeavor and balancing act. We were exhausted and scared and hopeless.

“Spenders tend to be in debt, live from paycheck to paycheck, and have little or nothing available for investment. Savers tend to pay cash for what they buy, maintain a savings account, and remain financially secure thanks to long-term investments.”

We were spenders living paycheck to paycheck and there was no safety net in place for us. The stress and torment we endured was hard on each of us and on our marriage. With the constant fight to survive, we had little extra energy to work on building our personal relationship.

But there is a way to break the cycle. Bernard Poduska offers ten steps to turn your financial makeup around.

1.      Self-reliance: You try to be your own banker whenever possible, establishing a savings program and setting aside “payments” toward the purchase of an item long before you actually buy it. In this way, you can earn interest rather than pay it.

2.      Accurate perception of reality: Be able to accurately appraise the true cost of a purchase (including taxes, interest, operation, insurance premiums, and accessories, etc.).

3.      Flexibility: If you live below your means, you are able to draw on uncommitted funds as the need arises. You are then able to enjoy the freedom and flexibility that come from a lack of indebtedness. As you grow and change, your plans and goals are able to grow and change with you.

4.      Problem-centeredness: Distinguish between the things they can do something about and the things you can do nothing about. Work on what you can change and let go of what you can’t.

5.      Active appreciation: Consistently value what you own. Recognize the importance of taking care of your possessions and maintaining them properly to prolong their life expectancy and keep replacement costs at a minimum.

6.      Strong sense of ethics: Know how important it is to be honest in all your financial dealings. Believe that no financial gain is worth sacrificing valued relationships, self-respect, or personal integrity.

7.      Strong sense of self: Suppress the urge to waste money on fads, status symbols, or competition with others.

8.      Imagination: Being imaginative and creative in increasing your income or decreasing your spending, you can better cope with changes in the economic climate.

9.      Appreciation of emotional costs: Consider the emotional strain placed on a family because of increased indebtedness or additional work hours. Consider what others may have to give up because of someone else’s spending habits.

10.  Charity: Recognize that your own well-being is intimately involved with that of others.

You don’t have to be bound to the stress and anxiety of not having enough money. The key is living below your means, not the amount you make. From experience, the peace and security that comes when debt is not constantly on your doorstep is worth every effort you have to put forward to eliminate debt from your life.

There are so many good programs and books available to help you get out of debt, but here is a list of just a couple that we have felt most thankful for.

Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace

Smart Women Finish Rich

The Millionaire Next Door

Rich Dad, Poor Dad

Who has the Power

Growing up, I remember watching the cartoon He-man. It was an amazing cartoon of good overcoming bad. The prince had the ability to transform into the hero and it was during that transformation that the well-known catch phrase for the show was given. “I have the power!”
 

Unlike this cartoon, marriage is meant to be a matter of shared power. We read in the scriptures, “We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion.” (D&C 121:39)

Being a parent is a shared experience and the role of father is incomplete without the role of mother, and vice versa. Neither role is more important than the other. As such, both participants should have equal power within the relationship.

Too many times, one or the other spouse has more control than the other and the marriage becomes lopsided and skewed. Feelings of confusion and resentment manifest themselves. Instead of being united in their decisions, one feels superior and the other feels abused and could potentially seek to thwart the action decided upon.

“They [husbands and wives] should be one in harmony, respect, and mutual consideration. Neither should plan or follow an independent course of action.  They should consult, pray, and decide together” (Marion G. Romney, Ensign, March 1978, pp. 2–4).

In the classic Jimmy Stewart movie, Mr. Hobbs Takes A Vacation, Jimmy and his wife are entertaining their son-in-laws potential boss and his wife. They go overboard on the idea of never having an independent course of action, but taking out the ridiculousness of this particular scene, keeping the harmony, respect and mutual love in a marriage has been formulated with simple suggestions. Talk together about the day, the issues, the concerns, the joys and triumphs. Pray together and include what you’ve talked about in the prayer. Council together on the answers you each felt in conjunction with the prayer. The Spirit is strong when accessed the way the Lord’s church government was set up. The Spirit will not lead you astray.

Cultivate activities that you enjoy together, and teach them to your children. Spend time together without children, and also time one-on-one with each child. Show only respect towards your spouse in public and don’t share faults or disappointments about your spouse to others. Praise your spouse in front of children, friends, and even your spouse. Remember the idea that Goethe gave, “If you treat a person as they should be, they will become that person.”

When you don’t understand your spouse, pray for understanding and ask your spouse to help you see their point. Always give words of love and appreciation with the idea that it takes five positive comments to negate one negative comment. This alone can make great strides in your marriage unity, when both spouses are so focused on the positive that they don’t see the negative anymore.

Power is a product of control and dominion over another. Marriage is not meant to be one of master and servant. Marriage is meant to be two coming together to form an even greater one. What kind of masterpiece will your two parts combine to make?

Faithfulness

You’ve made the decision to marry the love of your life. It’s an exciting time and one full of fun and excitement. Sure, there’s a little stress with the normal details of the wedding and a learning curve of living together and working together, but otherwise, life is good.

The idea of infidelity seems ridiculous and repugnant. You are in the “Love Bubble” and nothing that abhorrent can touch you now or ever. Yet somehow, nearly all divorces have some sort of infidelity involved in them.

Brent A. Barlow, in his Ensign article of September 1986 titled “They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage”, said:

President Spencer W. Kimball, referring to Doctrine and Covenants 42:22 [D&C 42:22] (“Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else”), said that “the words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.” (Miracle of Forgiveness, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1969, p. 250.)

Remembering to keep the marriage in its proper place at the forefront of your life, helps ensure its stability and longevity. When other thoughts start crowding out the place of your spouse, you have begun the process of infidelity. With life so busy and full of good things, it can be easy to miss noticing the first steps towards infidelity.

Does a person wake up one day and decide, “I think I’m going to be unfaithful today”? When infidelity takes place, it is based on a step by step pulling away from the marriage that has spanned considerable time.

These steps include: confiding in another person; spending time alone with someone of the opposite sex; talking online with that person; comparing your spouse’s traits or lack of them with that person.
Kenneth W. Matheson in his Ensign article of September 2009 titled “Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think”, gave a list of questions to ask to evaluate if you are on the slippery slope towards infidelity.

RELATIONSHIP EVALUATION

Successful marriages benefit from honest personal assessment of our relationships - both with our spouses and with others. In evaluating whether you have need for improved spiritual fidelity, ask yourself the following questions.

“Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?” “Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?” “Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?” “Do you e-mail and text your friend when you’re not together?” “Have you told your spouse about these messages?” “Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?” “Do you compare your spouse to your friend?” “Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?”

 Being faithful in marriage takes concerted work and vigilant care. As we protect and nourish our marriage relationship, we can eliminate the steps that lead toward infidelity.

If you have found yourself already on this path, there is still hope. You can reverse your course and take actions to put your spouse in their proper place. Remember the reasons you decided to marry this person in the first place. Concentrate on their positive qualities.

Kenneth W. Matheson said:

Fasting, prayer, temple attendance, scripture study, and pondering the Lord’s teachings are essential in helping one remain pure and true to one’s spouse and in healing the relationship.

Your marriage is worth the effort and work you put into it. You loved this person enough to make a commitment to them, so now it is time to remain faithful. Your happiness will increase as you nourish the marriage relationship.

Love Despite...

It’s been a long day, with terrible weather, uncertain job possibilities and loads of homework for both of us. We are tired and haven’t had a decent nights rest in three years and won’t have one for another five months.

The demands for our attention and knowledge are coming at us from all directions and inside each of our minds is the lengthy list of things we are not doing as well as we would like. This list ticks on and on in our minds even during those few precious hours of sleep we get each night.

So as I place his extra pillow beside me on the bed for his retrieval, he comments how I have stolen the good pillows and left him without his. In my mind I am shocked because I had been proactive and specifically placed his pillow near him. I don’t say anything because I know we are both being stretched and it just doesn’t matter. 

Then he grumbles that his pillow case has disappeared from his other pillow and before I know what is happening, my pillow case is being ripped off my pillow and I hear him slide his pillow into it. I’m hurt.

I sleep hurt, and I wake hurt. I kiss him before he leaves for work and don’t say anything about my hurt to him. This meeting could keep or cost him this job and I don’t want him going to it disturbed. But the hurt feelings don’t go away as I move through the duties of my day.

We’ve made arrangements to meet up for lunch at a favored restaurant, a treat that doesn’t happen often due to our extraordinarily busy schedule. But as the time approaches for me to leave the house, I find myself dreading the drive and the lunch. I’m still burdened down with hurt.

I’m late to lunch and I feel guilty that I’ve taken up precious time from his work schedule and worry that he will be upset at my inconsideration. He is not, and I feel even worse. My feelings are spirally downward and only halt in the evening as I finally open up to him. 

He made a dumb comment to our son about me stealing pillows and that’s when I told him that I had placed his pillow there specifically for him. He was shocked. He thought I had placed the pillow there to put distance between us. He then joked about his stealing my second pillow. I hadn’t even noticed. I wonder if he had worried about that for the same number of hours I had been worrying. It’s a strange idea and it makes me sad that he would worry and hurt.

I tell him how the pillowcase hurt my feelings and he walks away. I think that I need to be less sensitive and realize it is not a big deal. But then he comes back a few minutes later and shows me how to love despite…

He leans in close, and rests his head on mine. He apologizes for the pillowcase and says he didn’t realize it had been on my pillow as all he felt was the extra loose material that happens with this specific pillowcase. He says he is sorry for hurting my feelings and then asks me if there is anything he can do to help me in my work.

He loved me despite…

I know he has just as much work as I do. I know that his time is just as stretched thin as mine. But he takes this moment to offer it up to me, with no strings attached.

He loved me despite…

My hurt has turned into tears as I thank my Heavenly Father for such a good man. My hurt has melted away as the misunderstandings are now made clear. My hurt has changed into love for a man that is generous and kind when he could have been defensive and hurt himself.

Marriage is like this. Sometimes, dumb things pop up that are easily overcome with a little humility. Sometimes, big things lumber in that take more time and even more humility. But placing our faith in our spouse and recognizing the good in them, help us overlook the little irritations and find the love of our lives.

Gottman says that 20% of the things within our spouse are things that we won’t like. And of that 20%, 70% of them will never change. What does that mean? It means that we need to look for the good, and learn to love the bad, even when it gets ugly.

We need to love despite…

And eventually, the despite will no longer matter as our view is full of the good and lovely. 

Let's Get Together

In the movie The Parent Trap, Haley Mills plays twins intent on bringing her parents back together. When attempts at forcing them to see each other fail in sparking their love for each other, the twins decide to reproduce their first date. It is in this scene that the song “Let’s Get Together” made its debut.

Let's get together, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why don't you and I combine?
Let's get together, what do you say?
We can have a swinging time.
We'd be a crazy team.
Why don't we make a scene?

Together.

Let's get together, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Think of all that we could share.
Let's get together, everyday
Every way and everywhere.
And though we haven't got a lot,
We could be sharing all we've got.

Together.

Oh! I really think you're swell.
Uh huh! We really ring the bell.
Oo wee! And if you stick with me
Nothing could be greater, say hey alligator.

Let's get together, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Two is twice as nice as one.
Let's get together, right away.
We'll be having twice the fun.
And you can always count on me.
A gruesome twosome we will be.
Together, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sometimes, the gruesome twosome seems more prevalent in our marriages than the upbeat and twice as nice picture portrayed in the song. When things come between a couple, they are dealt with in different ways for different people. But how do we keep them from becoming permanently debilitating to our happy marriages?

Dr. John M. Gottman offered five steps to take to help solve differences instead of letting them overcome and destroy your relationship.

Softer Start-up

The first step is having a softer start-up. This means giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Instead of assuming the worst of him or her, assume those thoughts are incorrect and ask for clarification. This is applicable in all relationships.

I remember the first Sunday in our new home. I had taken the kids to church and heard that the choir met after and the invitation was out for new recruits. I decided to attend and had a very negative interaction with a woman there. I came home devastated. She didn’t even know me yet so how could I have caused such a reaction from her? In his wisdom, my husband counseled me to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that something else had affected her that day and it just spilled over onto me. I did this, and over the course of time, I learned that she struggled with depression and our first encounter had nothing to do with me at all.

At another time, I was riding in the car with my husband and he seemed to be pretty upset. I was getting a lot of sarcasm from him and as much as I tried, I couldn’t think of a reason for him to be upset with me. Instead of getting upset with him for being upset, I asked if I had done something to upset him. As it turns out, he had an unresolved issue from work and hadn’t realized he was taking it out on me. When I asked him if I had upset him, he immediately changed his words towards me and apologized for them.

Repair Attempts

The next step is recognizing and offering repair attempts. This means that the things you use to break the tension, such as humor or asking for space, are understood as a willingness to work through the issue. Often times, these are silly inside jokes that to an outsider mean practically nothing.

Shortly after getting married, my husband and I were driving my mother to my grandmother’s home. He had never been there before and in our chatting, we were late in giving him a turn direction. As he slammed on the breaks to make the turn, he angrily said that “it doesn’t turn on a dime!” Over the years, this phrase has come to be a silly memory of a silly argument. Now, when we are confronted with something irritating, you can often hear one or the other of us saying, “It doesn’t turn on a dime!” It makes both of us smile as we think of the humor and the memory.

Over the years, my husband has been really generous in watching my favorite movies over and over again. These movies are not the big blockbusters but generally less well known movies. There have been times when we have become uptight with each other over something and suddenly, he will quote from one of these movies. I recognize that he is trying to cool things between us and reminding me of something I love as well as his love for me. (Our kids can be found quoting from these movies as well and it always breaks the tension in the family.)

Soothing

The third step is soothing yourself and your spouse. When tempers are raised, it is almost impossible to think clearly which means that instead of acting, you tend to react without thinking through not only the immediate consequences of that response, but the long-term consequences as well. Many times, it is better to table a conversation until you have had time to cool down and really think through how you are feeling.

When I was pregnant with our second son, we took a Bradley course for natural childbirth. During the classes, we were taught how to relax our body, muscle by muscle, as well as meditation techniques. The point is to give your body time and place to return to normal functioning instead of high alert. One of my favorite scripture stories is about the woman caught in adultery being brought to the Savior for judgment. Instead of responding to the angry mob at once, Jesus knelt down and wrote in the dirt. He took a moment to collect His thoughts and perhaps ask His Father what the best course would be. We can follow this example and ask for a little time to gather our thoughts before engaging in a negative situation.

Just as importantly is soothing your spouse. This can be done through the simple act of listening and offering understanding without trying to solve the problem. One of the best video’s of this is found at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg on Youtube.

Just this week, my husband came home from dropping off our son at school and was quite upset. When I asked what was wrong, he explained that a police officer had given him a ticket for going 8 miles over the speed limit near our home. He was incensed that she hadn’t given him a warning, and even though he was obviously in the wrong and legally deserving of that ticket, I put all that aside and told him how sorry I was for him and that the police around our small town were always on the look-out to generate money. (If you are a police officer and reading this, please understand that I was soothing my husband and not really disparaging the profession.) There was nothing he or I could do about the incident but he felt that 1) I wasn’t angry at his mistake, and 2) we were in this together.

Compromise

The fourth step is compromise. You are two different people with two different upbringings and teachings. Combining both at marriage is tricky and often times, you find yourself at odds with the mentality of the other spouse. But trying to look at issues from both sides can help you come to a middle ground that both of you are happy with.

I love Christmas time and all its associated decorations. I’ve been collecting Christmas paraphernalia for many decades during our marriage and the collection had become quite large. When my family moved in with us, the available storage space in our home became very limited and my Christmas decorations took up a good portion of that space. The garage had turned into a mess of storage and neither of us was happy. He was irritated by the sheer quantity and I was irritated that he didn’t understand how much joy all the Christmas extras brought to me. It was a serious bone of contention and neither of us was willing to budge.

Then two Christmas’ ago, in all the mess of the garage, we couldn’t find the Christmas tree and in our busyness, we never did get a tree up. It was a depressing Christmas as we placed our wrapped gifts in a pile under the TV. But as depressing as it was for me not to have all the tinsel and lights, it was even more illuminating seeing how relieved my husband was. That was when I decided that there had to be a middle ground.

This past year, I very seriously told my husband that I had to have the tree in the living room by the end of the weekend or I was going to go buy a new tree. Within 15 minutes, the tree had appeared. Because of his willingness to appease my need for some semblance of Christmas cheer, I then went through all my decorations (a massive process) and got rid of more than half of them. It felt so good not having to put up so many things and even better not having to put them away after Christmas. I still got my Christmas bling but with some serious editing. We both were happy with the compromise.

Tolerance

The final step is being tolerant of each other’s faults. We all have need of improvement where we make mistakes or even have habits that drive another person crazy. The way I look at it is if I give my spouse some leeway on those things, then he is more likely to give me leeway on my own. I need his tolerance just as much as he needs mine.

When we practice each of these steps, then we really can get together. Two can be twice as nice and twice as fun. We can count on one another – together!